|
Pricilla Pigg's Advice to the Lovelorn
From: Bewildered in Baltimore
I've heard there are five secrets to great relationship... do you happen to know
what they are?
Dear Bewildered in Baltimore:
Yes I do... Firstly... It is important to find a man who works around the house,
occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.
Secondly... It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
Thirdly...It is important to find a man who is dependable, respectful and doesn't lie.
Fourth...It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with
you.
And Fifth... It is important that these four men never meet!
From: Puzzled in Petaluma
What do you think of all the sex they are having on TV these days?
Dear Puzzled in Petaluma:
I think having sex on a TV would be very uncomfortable... I much prefer a bed... or
even on a mattress on the floor... but I guess to each his own!
Outraged in Orlando writes:
My boyfriend Alphonso lies to me, cheats on me, and stays out late drinking with
his buddies, I'm at my wit's end... Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
Dear Outraged in Orlando:
So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Joyful in Jacksonville writes:
Dear Ms. Pigg: Oh Joy!... I have such great news... my boyfriend Horatio just told
me that he’s ready to make a commitment.
Dear Joyful in Jacksonville:
Don’t get carried away my dear... when a guy says he wants a commitment it
usually means he’s sick of masturbation.
Curious in Columbus writes:
Oh wise one, I just can’t figure out men... what are they really
like?
Dear Curious in Columbus:
Well let me put it like this: Men are like Coffee... The best ones
are rich, warm, full-bodied, and can keep you up all night long... Men are
also like Mascara... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Mel in Memphis writes:
I am about to get married and I am afraid to admit it but I don’t know much
about sex! Can you fill me in
Dear Mel in Memphis:
There are Five Kinds Of Sex... The first kind is Smurf Sex. This happens during the
honeymoon period when you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex
anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta
do it in the bedroom.
The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each
other in the hallway and say, "Go Screw Yourself!"
There is also a fifth kind of sex: This is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you get
divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom!
From: Nancy in Nantucket:
I just wanted to let you know that I’ve been going out with my boyfriend
Melvin for almost five years now... he’s so loving and kind and thoughtful... he
always brings me flowers when he comes for a visit.
Dear Nancy in Nantucket:
My dear, dear girl, doncha think it’s about time you taught the cheap bastard
to spell J-E-W-L-E-R-Y?
Fed Up in Fresno writes:
I’m so fed up with men!!! They lie and cheat and forget your birthday and play
poker with their buddies until all hours of the night!... I’ve had it with them...Why
did God put men on earth anyway?
Dear Fed Up in Fresno:
Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.
|
|
Hey, Lighten Up!... being
Single ain't that bad
(in fact a lot of people love it).
Here are a few things every Single
person should know...
The Top Ten
things Guys know about Women:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have boobs.
Top 10 Rejection
Lines Given By Women (and what they really mean):
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred
banjo playing geek in 'Deliverance')
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes
on.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or
else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)
5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar
system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is
better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail
about all the other men I meet and lay. It's the male perspective thing.)
The Difference
between a Good Girl and a Bad Girl:
Good girls say "thanks for a wonderful dinner"...
Bad girls say, "what's for breakfast?"
Good girls never go after another girl's man...
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.
Good girls wear white cotton panties...
Bad girls don't wear any.
Good girls wax their floors...
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot...
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls make chicken for dinner...
Bad girls make reservations.
Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies...
Bad girls know they could do better.
Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss...
Bad girls never do either, unless he's very, very rich.
Good girls believe you're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls...
Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.
Good girls love Italian food...
Bad girls love Italian waiters.
Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say:
What do you mean today's our anniversary?
Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.
I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say:
Here honey, you use the remote.
You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
While I'm up, can I get you anything?
Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with
me?
Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
Aww, forget Sunday night football, Let's watch Desperate Housewives.
Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
We never talk anymore
Pickup Lines - And Suggestions for Women to
Respond
"So,
wanna go back to my place?"
"Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
"Haven't
we met before?"
"Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
"I
want to give myself to you."
"Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
"Hey
cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
"I'd
go through anything for you."
"Good! Let's start with your bank account."
He: Would you like to dance?
She: Not with you.
He: Oh, come on. Lower your standards a little, I just did.
He: So
what do you do for a living?
She: Female impersonator.
He: So,
baby, your place or mine?
She: Both. You'll go to your place and I'll go to mine!
Q: Can
I buy you a drink?
A: Go ahead, but only if you buy my boyfriend one too!
He:
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put I and U together.
She: Oh really, because if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put
F and U
together.
|
